When I first constructed the idea to write a non sports blog in my head, the second idea I wrote down was an article detailing why I write. However I never fully formed an idea enough to write the article. I could have written some bullshit on sports and how that made life worth living and had a pretty good article but I never had enough inspiration to write it. Perhaps it's because that's not the real reason I write.
At the current moment i'm being bombarded from seperate angles on a situation that I can't help but obsess over. This situation is nothing new but my greatest fear and the worst possible outcome of the situation is finally coming to fruition. Although it always seemed inevitable, I thought I could possibly delay it just a bit. But I can't, I don't want to let go too early. Losing a friend is hard enough but losing them to the point where one of you might as well be dead is beyond comprehension. It's already happened to me once recently and I don't know how much i'll be able to hold up the second time. Perhaps what hurts the most is that I know that this individual problem is salvagable but at risk of creating much larger issues.
You see this problem isn't totally my fault, only partially. Ultimately, it's a timing issue, but a timing issue, at that, that possibly saved one person's life and salvaged my sanity. She too, means nearly the world to me and it remains unclear even what my best option is much less the option that is best for everyone. Either way I'll be hurt which I suppose is well deserved. But i'm too young to have to deal with this, I'm too young to be dealing with life and death situations right now. This is the reality of the situation for the two that I write of are touchy souls. Not to their discredit, they have suffered more through the clear eyes of reality, so more to their credit than anything.
The reason I can't just go on with what I have is because of the feeling. It's a feeling I shouldn't have but a feeling that creeps it's way into my life anyway. It's the feeling of being absolutely crushed. The feeling of a friend/family member dying unexpectadly or too soon, the feeling of losing everything you've ever hoped for, the feeling of a kid being denied from his dream school, the feeling of a parent burying a child, the baseball player attempting to salvage a career and a living yet cut in spring training, the feeling of despair and hopelessness. The laying down feeling as it's become to me. This stems from the overwhelming feeling to lay down on the lowest possible surface(the floor) and remain there. No matter how hard I try, I can't get up, I can't shake this feeling. It gets to the point where it's too painful to think, so you stop. Any progress you're making anywhere in your life comes to a screeching halt so that you are able to fully appreciate the pain through which you are going. Ah the feeling of despair.
So what do I do? Do I dwindle away in monotony while silently hurting everyday, wondering what could have been? Do I take the risk knowing that i've made similar ones in the past and only hurt myself in the long run? Do i do this knowing that i'm playing with fire? Do I leave both and attempt to leave the past? I know that the first option is the only realistic one? So what am I to do? Am I to think about the situation incessently to the point where death seems more attractive than the ongoing pain, confusion, and regret that we call life? What do I do when a decision has to be made and it's needs to be made now? What do I do when I know that at least for a short while, depression is inevitable and at most I could lose someone who's been more important than words can describe? What do I do when wallowing in self sorrow is no longer an option? I sit behind a computer screen and pour my heart out. This is why I write.
