Like many other teens, I've faced my share of troubles growing up. When I was young, I was eager to seek counsel from my peers and did so to the point of annoyance. I put up attention-seeking Facebook statuses, I specifically texted people asking for help and even wished with all my heart that others would care that I was upset. That was just the point though, I always had someone to lay my problems on. But two years can make quite the difference and sophomore year of college bears almost no resemblence to senior year of high school.
The types of problems were always different too, of course. It's not as though I'm dealing with some sort of crippling depression like I was when I was two years ago. It's just that I, like many others, occasionally get upset to the point where I need an outside influence to calm me down. But I can't passive-aggressively call for help over social media. This is frowned upon for those attempting to use these sites for journalism-related purposes. I can no longer just text people and ask for help, this isn't high school. You see, this was difficult even back then. But, there were a few key people in my life that would help me out no matter what the situation. As time went on, I lost contact with nearly all of those people.
When I went to college, I realized that I had a problem that I could tell literally no one about. I was forced to call an old friend to avoid the risk of going crazy. This turned out to be one of the most important decisions I would make in years. The fear of not having someone to talk to was gone. She became not only someone to tell my problems to, but someone who I could tell anything. This is important to me as I like to share what goes on in my life. Yet, as they often do, things got complicated. Her and I don't talk very often anymore. It took this kind of drastic change for me to realize what she meant to me. She allowed me to keep my sanity.
No matter how well things are going in life, each person needs something to keep themselves sane. This semester I've made more friends than any few months in my life, I've made advances in my journalism career, increased the popularity of my sports blog, gained confidence in my work, live-tweeted Division I basketball games, interviewed countless Division I coaches and athletes, traveled all over with the cross country team and had more fun weekends than I'd ever dreamed of. Yet, with all this popularity, with all these people I now know and say "hi" to accross campus, there's not one single person who I can really talk to. I have more friends than I've ever had (which really isn't saying much for me) and yet I'm so alone.
Yes, I have a girlfriend. That's where most of this starts. There are certain things you just need to be able to talk about with other people. I don't mean to worry her but it's becoming ever more difficult to hide how hard it is to not have anyone.
So now I have this blog, I guess it is my new outlet. For better or worse the blog will always be available. I don't receive the same type of relieved feeling when I type something on this as I do when I talk to someone. I haven't gained any perspective and I haven't grown any wiser.
But perhaps this isn't a matter of me not having anyone more than a matter of me not wanting anyone. Maybe I just don't really want to talk about my problems anymore. Maybe I know longer have the ability or the energy to come up with some sort of explanation of myself or defense of my actions. What I could I tell someone even if they would listen? Am I supposed to tell them an entire backstory of my life to have them understand my actions? Do I want anyone to know what I've done, how I think or what kind of situation I've put myself in?
Maybe I've closed myself off from talking to anyone because I'm scared of being considered the bad guy. Maybe I already am the bad guy and no one will talk to me because of that. I'm not perfect and I don't strive to be. But I'd like to be more than I am now. I didn't get into this situation on purpose. Maybe if people could see things the way I do, they'd understand. I don't like to hurt people, I like to help them. I like to my friends happy and I like being a reason for that. I hope by senior year I can be recognized by most people on campus and I hope I can evoke some sort of positive emotion in people when they see me. I just want to make people happy, I really do. Of course now I can walk all over campus and see people I know almost everywhere so I guess I'm on the right track. But at what cost? Could this somehow be related to my lack of an outlet?
I once had it all, I once was king. But I got too confident. I once had someone I could tell literally anything in the world to no matter how digusting, personal, inappropriate or childish it was. But those days are long gone. And what's more? I'm not asking for them back. Each problem I face will be bottled up inside me and will consume until I can figure out some way to get over it. This isn't the life I chose but it is only one phase of it, afterall. I once had it all, I once was king. But I let a friend go. And my sanity may soon be gone with her.
