It is said that each one us must struggle through our own personal battle; that each person is afflicted with depression for at least a short while in their life. This can be brought on by the death of a relative, the end of a relationship, or perhaps a personal problem such as a fear of who one has become. Yes the average person will eventually get over this depression and look at it as a life lesson; something they learned from.
Then why can't I be the average person? Why does depression stalk me as if it has a personal vendetta against me. Why do I feel it's the inevitable end to every situation in my life? Why do I ever go on doing things knowing full well that they'll end in depression? What am I even still doing here? I can run as much as I want, I can win the battle but depression will always win the war. Perhaps it feels it has unfinished business after coming so close before and not winning. Now it is employing the clever strategy of using the one who saved me as a springboard to return. How can I saved when the only one who can help me is killing me? How can depression do this?
But depression is not really a living, breathing entity. It doesn't actually have an agenda. It doesn't care how close it came to ending me and it especially doesn't care who saved me. It doesn't have the capacity too. Depression is a symbol for something much deeper in my life. My insecurities and psychological issues tend to hurt people who's hopes had been gotten up by my sweet talking and even sweeter heart. I always feel this will eventually be it for me. How much more of this can I sustain? Each solution to end one depression is just the cause of the next. Each time I work to get over my depression my goal is to meet someone. This person will eventually become the cause of my next depression. No matter what choice I make in any situation, depression is the only outcome. I have no choice. The fact that we live in a free country means nothing from me because there is no ammendment giving us freedom from our own mind. It always starts out as sadness from a situation that i've royally fucked up but turns into so much more than that. It turns me into an anger filled, world hating, monster who resents everything nearly everyone does. But I can be so much more than that. I can be more than the depressed, cynical, crazy guy and I can be more than the cocky douche in non-depressed situations. I can be a person who loves, a person who makes people happy, someone people go to help for, someone who makes a difference, someone I used to be. Someone I know I can be again. I just need the chance.
Depression has hit hard this time because it has become crafty, it has changed things up. Because it knows that i've become experienced with its causes and oh to familiar with its effects. It knows that i've been put in this situation three summers in a row now. Depression comes home to roost about every 10 months. Summer 2010 I had to struggle to decide if I wanted to stay with my first girlfriend of many months/ former love of my life or go with a girl who shook things up. A girl who made me realize that there was more to life than your first girlfriend. A girl who made me believe (falsely) that ultimate happiness was achievable. There was a clear choice here, it was going to be girl number 2. But how was I going to break up with girl 1 so I didn't hurt her. I guess I never really lost my fear of hurting someone although my ability not to do it has been hurt. Anyway the situation with girl 2 caused the situation with girl 1 to deteriorate until we broke up.....that was when I found out that girl 2 and I weren't absolutely perfect for each other. I hurt both girls to the point where they wanted nothing to do with me. I felt useless and terrible. I felt as though I had let down my soulmate and now I was just playing out the string. I was slowly falling apart and my life was in serious danger. Each night I went to sleep hoping it was the last time I had to go through this kind of pain. I wished death would come to me so I wouldn't have to do it myself. Girl number 6 changed all that. You'll find out more about her later. For now all that's important is that what put that five month hell to rest was girl 3. Girl 3 is was a tall, beautiful blonde. She was kind, she was funny, she was nice. We didn't belong together. It's just now that i'm beginning to see this. Girl number 6, while coming with such a larger set of issues was just perfect for me. No one else in the world would be able to see that and that is what scared a young, depressed, misguided Boy #1. He played it safe and in the end only made it more dangerous for himself. Either way, girl 6 and 3 really had nothing to do with eachother at the time. Just having a girl like girl 3 was enough to pull me out of my funk. But I wasn't the same boyfriend i was to girl 1. I was lazy, i wasn't loving enough, I wasn't concerned enough. Perhaps this was because I had seen the end and knew this was nothing to worry about. Perhaps I was scared of being hurt again. Perhaps she didn't push me to behave enough. Either way this is where girl 4 comes in. Girl 4 is by the worst girl in this story. At no point did she ever care for me, at no point did she ever have my best interest in mind. She liked me a little bit and saw fit to destroy my relationship. My inability to break away from girl 4 and girl 3's lack of strictness caused me to be a bad boyfriend. Eventually girl 3 got quietly sick of this and began to have feelings for a friend of mine. I was eventually saved by girl 5. Girl 5 is not enough to save me forever. Perhaps this is because far too often I view these women as saviors and not just someone to be compatible with. I feel terrible, I never wanted to hurt girl 5. I just may have to choose between that and death. The choice remains to be made.
The trouble now is that I know enough to not make the same mistake twice. But instead I waited too long and now I may never know what could have been. I must admit that I've never felt such a connection with someone in my life. I've felt graced with such a prescence as to hold my interest to the point where it hurts for a conversation to end. I've never met someone who i've thought was so beautiful but was so ignored by so many others. Alas what makes me deserve such a girl? Why did I ever think I deserved a chance at her? She is beauty far beyond what I can handle, she is happiness far beyond what I will ever know. I feel again, this time perhaps rightfully so, that i've lost my soulmate. I feel as though I must now go through knowing full well that the person I was supposed to be with was lost through no fault of anyone but my own. Now my final choice is impending; what is more attractive of an option? To live like this or not to at all.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Perfection in the Form of a Female
I would say that she is beautiful, but that wouldn't begin to describe her. For beauty is so often associated with appearance and she is so much more than that. She's perfect. She's the most incredible combination of endearing, thoughtful, gorgeous, fun, and intelligent. She's more than just a girl to me.
She's smart. Not just in the traditional way either. Her intelligence reaches far beyond study and memorization of school work. She is able to master that while also looking at the world through clear eyes. She sees things ways others do not. This view allows a deepness to form with her, a sort of beautiful way of viewing each situation. She is smarter than you, but she'd never let you know that. This genius is a blessing and a curse for the impetus for this design of thinking was a series of rather unpleasant experiences. Never has a soul gone through so much horror and been so pleasant all the while.
She is thoughtful. She remembers things about people because certain people are what matter to her. She wants other people to feel important because it's rare that someone makes her feel that way. She is always willing to lend help to those who seek it. This is never just a ploy to look good; she likewise feels the pain. If a friend cries, she cries, the pain they will is felt just as much, if not more, by her. She will always look to please those whom she holds dear.
She is fun. Spending time with her makes one remember why life can be so beautiful. There is never a dull moment spent with her. Each and every moment is heaven, utter ecstasy. When you're with her, you feel as though pain ceases to exist, that there is only love.
She is gorgeous. One look at her makes the atheist in me believe, perhaps, there is a God. She has this unique smile that puts one at ease and gives the feeling that you've made her happy. It's a good feeling to think you've made such a beautiful person so happy. She does not have the features of a normal girl. She is slender but strong, she's a protector. The tone of her body makes makes one squirm and evokes all kinds of thoughts. Yet again I'm brought back to an image of her smiling and all is well in the world, there are no troubles, no insecurities. Most do not agree however. There are many a person who believe this angelic girl is not a beauty for the seeemingly ludacris reason that she does not conform to the standards of traditional beauty. Many are not attracted to her and thus I am relieved. Perhaps it is just me that believes I am staring at perfection in the form of the human body. This makes me feel that maybe she feels one-tenth as strongly about me.
She is endearing. She knows exactly how to make one love her. She cannot be ignored for this is impossible. She is addicting. One cannot simply get away once they've become close enough. She causes one to feel so good about themselves that they couldn't possibly leave her behind. The day starts to be viewed as something to get through just so you can talk to her at night.
She is tortured. Unforetunatly I am of a small minority that feel this way about her. Not nearly enough people are allowed close access to her heart. Perhaps if they were they would begin to understand. They would understand that there's so much more to people than what meets the eye. Perhaps they would learn to stop this mindless policy of judging people based on appearance and search deep into the soul of as many people as they can. However it's not easy for people to break the status quo. So they pass by her like she's nothing. They focus on pleasing the people society wants them to please. A small group is all that receives the absolute pleasure of her friendship. Overall she will be forgotten by most that crossed paths with her, yet she has more of an impact than they ever would. She's the reason many in that small group are living or living well. Not even her family knows the importance she holds to these people. Perhaps this is why she is treated with such indignation by them. They make her feel like she is less important. But this is because even she fails to realize her beauty.
She is broken. The cruelty of those around her have only worsened the horrors she's seen. Every night she is haunted by the worst possible thoughts and regrets. Regrets of being forced to accept such a level of depression at such a young age. After a few years of it, realizing her childhood, tween years have been wasted and her teens are next she begins to operate a secondary life to ease the pain. The misdeeds she experiences combined with the guilt of having to lie to those dear to her cause even worse pain. She can't live with herself without falling victim to addiction. She is sickened by the state of the world around her and by the complete lack of remorse people show while treating eachother so poorly. She is sickened even worse by disappointment in herself. This is a vicious cycle, there are few good outcomes here.
She is perfect. I won't let her succumb to the this depression. I am charged with making her see the world as beautiful again, no matter what it takes. For I know that she would have done the same for me. She was always a friend to those who had no one else and now I shall be the same for her. I won't let her be crushed under the weight of the world, I will save her if it takes an eternity. For true beauty is worth salvaging no matter what the cost. Most importantly I know, when this is all said and done, I will again be graced by the beauty of her presence. A presence and smile that can be described in no other way than perfect.
She's smart. Not just in the traditional way either. Her intelligence reaches far beyond study and memorization of school work. She is able to master that while also looking at the world through clear eyes. She sees things ways others do not. This view allows a deepness to form with her, a sort of beautiful way of viewing each situation. She is smarter than you, but she'd never let you know that. This genius is a blessing and a curse for the impetus for this design of thinking was a series of rather unpleasant experiences. Never has a soul gone through so much horror and been so pleasant all the while.
She is thoughtful. She remembers things about people because certain people are what matter to her. She wants other people to feel important because it's rare that someone makes her feel that way. She is always willing to lend help to those who seek it. This is never just a ploy to look good; she likewise feels the pain. If a friend cries, she cries, the pain they will is felt just as much, if not more, by her. She will always look to please those whom she holds dear.
She is fun. Spending time with her makes one remember why life can be so beautiful. There is never a dull moment spent with her. Each and every moment is heaven, utter ecstasy. When you're with her, you feel as though pain ceases to exist, that there is only love.
She is gorgeous. One look at her makes the atheist in me believe, perhaps, there is a God. She has this unique smile that puts one at ease and gives the feeling that you've made her happy. It's a good feeling to think you've made such a beautiful person so happy. She does not have the features of a normal girl. She is slender but strong, she's a protector. The tone of her body makes makes one squirm and evokes all kinds of thoughts. Yet again I'm brought back to an image of her smiling and all is well in the world, there are no troubles, no insecurities. Most do not agree however. There are many a person who believe this angelic girl is not a beauty for the seeemingly ludacris reason that she does not conform to the standards of traditional beauty. Many are not attracted to her and thus I am relieved. Perhaps it is just me that believes I am staring at perfection in the form of the human body. This makes me feel that maybe she feels one-tenth as strongly about me.
She is endearing. She knows exactly how to make one love her. She cannot be ignored for this is impossible. She is addicting. One cannot simply get away once they've become close enough. She causes one to feel so good about themselves that they couldn't possibly leave her behind. The day starts to be viewed as something to get through just so you can talk to her at night.
She is tortured. Unforetunatly I am of a small minority that feel this way about her. Not nearly enough people are allowed close access to her heart. Perhaps if they were they would begin to understand. They would understand that there's so much more to people than what meets the eye. Perhaps they would learn to stop this mindless policy of judging people based on appearance and search deep into the soul of as many people as they can. However it's not easy for people to break the status quo. So they pass by her like she's nothing. They focus on pleasing the people society wants them to please. A small group is all that receives the absolute pleasure of her friendship. Overall she will be forgotten by most that crossed paths with her, yet she has more of an impact than they ever would. She's the reason many in that small group are living or living well. Not even her family knows the importance she holds to these people. Perhaps this is why she is treated with such indignation by them. They make her feel like she is less important. But this is because even she fails to realize her beauty.
She is broken. The cruelty of those around her have only worsened the horrors she's seen. Every night she is haunted by the worst possible thoughts and regrets. Regrets of being forced to accept such a level of depression at such a young age. After a few years of it, realizing her childhood, tween years have been wasted and her teens are next she begins to operate a secondary life to ease the pain. The misdeeds she experiences combined with the guilt of having to lie to those dear to her cause even worse pain. She can't live with herself without falling victim to addiction. She is sickened by the state of the world around her and by the complete lack of remorse people show while treating eachother so poorly. She is sickened even worse by disappointment in herself. This is a vicious cycle, there are few good outcomes here.
She is perfect. I won't let her succumb to the this depression. I am charged with making her see the world as beautiful again, no matter what it takes. For I know that she would have done the same for me. She was always a friend to those who had no one else and now I shall be the same for her. I won't let her be crushed under the weight of the world, I will save her if it takes an eternity. For true beauty is worth salvaging no matter what the cost. Most importantly I know, when this is all said and done, I will again be graced by the beauty of her presence. A presence and smile that can be described in no other way than perfect.
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