Doom

It is said that each one us must struggle through our own personal battle; that each person is afflicted with depression for at least a short while in their life. This can be brought on by the death of a relative, the end of a relationship, or perhaps a personal problem such as a fear of who one has become. Yes the average person will eventually get over this depression and look at it as a life lesson; something they learned from.

Then why can't I be the average person? Why does depression stalk me as if it has a personal vendetta against me. Why do I feel it's the inevitable end to every situation in my life? Why do I ever go on doing things knowing full well that they'll end in depression? What am I even still doing here? I can run as much as I want, I can win the battle but depression will always win the war. Perhaps it feels it has unfinished business after coming so close before and not winning. Now it is employing the clever strategy of using the one who saved me as a springboard to return. How can I saved when the only one who can help me is killing me? How can depression do this?
But depression is not really a living, breathing entity. It doesn't actually have an agenda. It doesn't care how close it came to ending me and it especially doesn't care who saved me. It doesn't have the capacity too. Depression is a symbol for something much deeper in my life. My insecurities and psychological issues tend to hurt people who's hopes had been gotten up by my sweet talking and even sweeter heart. I always feel this will eventually be it for me. How much more of this can I sustain? Each solution to end one depression is just the cause of the next. Each time I work to get over my depression my goal is to meet someone. This person will eventually become the cause of my next depression. No matter what choice I make in any situation, depression is the only outcome. I have no choice. The fact that we live in a free country means nothing from me because there is no ammendment giving us freedom from our own mind. It always starts out as sadness from a situation that i've royally fucked up but turns into so much more than that. It turns me into an anger filled, world hating, monster who resents everything nearly everyone does. But I can be so much more than that. I can be more than the depressed, cynical, crazy guy and I can be more than the cocky douche in non-depressed situations. I can be a person who loves, a person who makes people happy, someone people go to help for, someone who makes a difference, someone I used to be. Someone I know I can be again. I just need the chance.

Depression has hit hard this time because it has become crafty, it has changed things up. Because it knows that i've become experienced with its causes and oh to familiar with its effects. It knows that i've been put in this situation three summers in a row now. Depression comes home to roost about every 10 months. Summer 2010 I had to struggle to decide if I wanted to stay with my first girlfriend of many months/ former love of my life or go with a girl who shook things up. A girl who made me realize that there was more to life than your first girlfriend. A girl who made me believe (falsely) that ultimate happiness was achievable. There was a clear choice here, it was going to be girl number 2. But how was I going to break up with girl 1 so I didn't hurt her. I guess I never really lost my fear of hurting someone although my ability not to do it has been hurt. Anyway the situation with girl 2 caused the situation with girl 1 to deteriorate until we broke up.....that was when I found out that girl 2 and I weren't absolutely perfect for each other. I hurt both girls to the point where they wanted nothing to do with me. I felt useless and terrible. I felt as though I had let down my soulmate and now I was just playing out the string. I was slowly falling apart and my life was in serious danger. Each night I went to sleep hoping it was the last time I had to go through this kind of pain. I wished death would come to me so I wouldn't have to do it myself. Girl number 6 changed all that. You'll find out more about her later. For now all that's important is that what put that five month hell to rest was girl 3. Girl 3 is was a tall, beautiful blonde. She was kind, she was funny, she was nice. We didn't belong together. It's just now that i'm beginning to see this. Girl number 6, while coming with such a larger set of issues was just perfect for me. No one else in the world would be able to see that and that is what scared a young, depressed, misguided Boy #1. He played it safe and in the end only made it more dangerous for himself. Either way, girl 6 and 3 really had nothing to do with eachother at the time. Just having a girl like girl 3 was enough to pull me out of my funk. But I wasn't the same boyfriend i was to girl 1. I was lazy, i wasn't loving enough, I wasn't concerned enough. Perhaps this was because I had seen the end and knew this was nothing to worry about. Perhaps I was scared of being hurt again. Perhaps she didn't push me to behave enough. Either way this is where girl 4 comes in. Girl 4 is by the worst girl in this story. At no point did she ever care for me, at no point did she ever have my best interest in mind. She liked me a little bit and saw fit to destroy my relationship. My inability to break away from girl 4 and girl 3's lack of strictness caused me to be a bad boyfriend. Eventually girl 3 got quietly sick of this and began to have feelings for a friend of mine. I was eventually saved by girl 5. Girl 5 is not enough to save me forever. Perhaps this is because far too often I view these women as saviors and not just someone to be compatible with. I feel terrible, I never wanted to hurt girl 5. I just may have to choose between that and death. The choice remains to be made.
The trouble now is that I know enough to not make the same mistake twice. But instead I waited too long and now I may never know what could have been. I must admit that I've never felt such a connection with someone in my life. I've felt graced with such a prescence as to hold my interest to the point where it hurts for a conversation to end. I've never met someone who i've thought was so beautiful but was so ignored by so many others. Alas what makes me deserve such a girl? Why did I ever think I deserved a chance at her? She is beauty far beyond what I can handle, she is happiness far beyond what I will ever know. I feel again, this time perhaps rightfully so, that i've lost my soulmate. I feel as though I must now go through knowing full well that the person I was supposed to be with was lost through no fault of anyone but my own. Now my final choice is impending; what is more attractive of an option? To live like this or not to at all.